Who am I?

Mi foto
Not even I know who i am full well, but I will try to explain as well as i can what i do know. I am a girl. I fight depression, and social anxiety. More than anything I want to lose weight. This is my attempt to start over. Youll get to know me as you read the anectodes of my life.

miércoles, 29 de abril de 2015

Hey guys

It's been a long time.
I just wanted to drop by to let you guys know that I'm back in blogger but at a different url:

This is my new blog -> MandyDevoidde

Life is good, much better than it was the last time I was here.
I'm just about finishing my degree and looking forward to starting to work.
I dumped the guy I was with the last time I updated here. He was a very abusive person and highly toxic. I was so scared I didn't even feel safe talking about it here, but now I'm out and so much better ^-^
So much more has happened since, way too much to be able to condense down in to a post here, but if you are curious it's all on my new blog.
Take care guys,
Love you to bits
Mandy xx


viernes, 15 de febrero de 2013

Hey there, sorry I havent posted in a while. Theres no excuse I just dont know what to write.
Im feeling so down and low and mopey lately, thought today Im  feeling better
I managed to get up early and work out at 7am and then I had a morning shower and ate a small bowl of oats with walnut milk and a green tea.
Everything was great. I started feeling hungry around 11 and so to avoid a binge I ate an orange and a handfull of raisins and managed to talk myself out of binging and for lunch Ive had some turkey breast and a salad.
Not too bad I guess
And
My fiance is coming out see me next friday :D so excited! :D I gotta look extra nice for him and that is something reasonable because...

*drumrol *

I have lost 3kg !!

Im down to 54kg
wow I feel good

Well I should go, theres a paper I have to give in on monday which I havent even stared with ugh
I hope you are all doing well ^^
Lots of love
Breathe

martes, 5 de febrero de 2013

Black coffee and control

I just got an email from Thorntons, so Ive been spending the last half an hour looking at pictures of chocolate. I dont think thats a healthy attitude ugh.
Well the last couple days have been pretty good. Much better than its been lately.

Yesterday:
I woke up early and worked out on my legs pretty thoroughly. Skipped breakfast, Watched Scrubs and studied for my next exam. Then lunch time was a little complicated. My flatmate made me spaghetty with minced meat and tomato sauce, but the portion wasnt too big. And then I had a little slip with some black chocolate. But I dont feel so bad about that anymore.
Then studied some more, and we had dinner together. We had a simple egg omlette with a little cheese and I made one of my favourite salads ( The base is chopped cucumber instead of lettuce; dont much like lettuce. Chopped red and green pepper, and a handfull of raisins, seasoned with a little bit of raw oil and vinegar. SO yummy) She loved the salad and we decided to pretty much always have salad for Supper as its soposed to be a light meal and I totally agree. Then I went in to her room with her and we studied aaall night (till about 6am) and then I went to bed after setting my alarm.

Today:
Woke up at 10:30 and watched an episode of Scrubs. Then worked out focusing on my stomach and then substituted my cereal for black coffee.
I had a black coffee last night to keep awake while i was studying and I cant believev how long its been since I drank coffee. Got used to tea I guess but I realised I missed it and I forgot how much I love totally black coffee. So now that is my breakfast.
It feels good to be controling my breakfast and supper. Black coffee and salad. I dont know what lunch is going ot be as my flatmate is more in touch of that, but usually I can sway  her to healthier options. Unless shes craving.
Then its hopeless.

Well I have finally started feeling like Im a little more in control and I love that.
I still have some coffee so Im gonna drink that before it gets cold and I hope you are all having a lovely day <3
Take care my lovelies and stay strong
Breathe

domingo, 3 de febrero de 2013

Binge...

Today I binged big time. I feel so sick to my stomach... and still i find it impossible to purge. Ive tried 3 times already and nothing comes up.
Stuck like a lump of led weighing my stomach down >_<
I dont know what got in to me this morning, I just kept on filling that damn cereal bowl up again and again and again . . . And then when I felt as disgusting as I could possibly feel... my flatmate texts me to tell me she inthe kitchen and shes made lunch for both of us..... Chicken breast and rice .... I guess it could be worse but its still pretty terrible....
I tried purging after my massive breakfast binge but nothing... And twice after lunch...
Still nothing

You must be so disapointed in me......
I know I am

viernes, 1 de febrero de 2013

Dreams and Flatmate hate

Well thats one exam done. 3 more to go.
Today I am in hiding. Its 1:33 pm as I write this and im locked up in my room. Last night I went to bed a little late, and also I went for a loooong walk with my flatmate M. , so that tired me out extra. Even so Ive been awake for several hours but I dont want the world to know that.
I havent updated anything or gone online on Yahoo or Steam so that even my boyfriend thinks im still asleep or very tired.
Or sick. 
I dont care, I just dont want to talk to anyone.
Im just sitting here listeing to music and thinking about how the scale seemes to be staring at me from across the room ...

My 2 kg weight gain which im not talking about hasnt gone unnoticed.
I saw my other flatmate, Fer, yesterday. I posted about her in the past and her lovely tactfulness. Here.
And in her usual way she commented on how I looked different.
"Oh right , I know what it is now, have you gained some weight?" 
Can I kill her please?
PLEASE?
ugh.
Ive decided not to eat for a year. Or ever. Again

Just you wach, I bet ill binge tomorrow.
Im so weak. 
At least shes not at the flat though. As her family lives an hour away and we havent started classes yet shes staying with her family and only coming over here on the exam days and leaving straight away. Suits me just fine. Becasue I really get on well with M. , my other flatmate. She is amazing ^^.
Though.
I had a disturbing dream about her last night.
Aparently I have a repressed wish to make out with her which I knew nothing about.
Well she is pretty hot
This is wierd
I think ill just go and work out for a while, and then have a shower.