All in all today has been good.
Its hard for me to have a good day nowadays because ive been hit by a pretty strong wave of depression and i feel like i just cant take it anymore. Thank god for friends.
I felt like shit in the morning, got up early becasue my sleep patterns anre all over the place, and had the other half a papaya and some Antiox juice wich is very nice. I felt so sad. I sent an email to my boyfriend becasue i missed him but i tried to keep my utterly bad feelings out of the email though i did talk about how much i miss him and that it makes me so sad to be away from him (understatement).
in my pijamas still at 11 I was getting pretty hungry and so I had a Mango for the first time. I got sooo sticky trying to figure out how to peal and cut it.
[I have this down to a science. When Im depressed is when i binge most, so if i dont eat (as most of the time in those situations I feel like i cant be bothered, and whats the point) I will end up binging, not giving a shit and then feeling utterly disgusting, wich contributes do the depression. So when i start getting a little hungry I eat some fruit to shut myself off and prevent.]
I even cried a bit this morning. I dont usually cry. Not since my father left. I think thats when the fear of seeming weak kicked off. I wanted to be strong. Like I was Ok for my mother, and like I didnt care for my father.
When I get the urge to cry I sqash it. Crying is not an option. I dont cry.
Except today I did.
Silent tears running down my face. I didnt care.
Then at around 12, my friend T. called me about a project we had to hand in in the University so I had to go. I got up knowing deep down that getting out of the house would probably help at least a little, but still wishing i could just spend the day cur;ed up in my bed. And then she took me to the beach.
The day turned out pretty well, I guess its just what i needed. A shining sun and a lovely beach.
We handed the project in and went straight there, T. her boyfriend M. and I, and i had a lot of fun swimming and sun bathing. I didnt really even feel self concious as I noticed that i was slimmer than T. is. Maybe thats a little mean, but it made me feel a little safer in my bathing suit.
After that we went to a little restaurante where they ordered some tapas and I had a smoothie (Mango, Strawberry and Coconut) Lovely. and then we got a pack of mini Magnum icecream bites and i had 3.
We walked back home and I walked all the way barefoot and i feel much better.
Im so glad shes my friend