My Love, my fiance, my beautiful boy appeared by surprise at my doorstep three weeks ago!
It was amazing, but as Im sure you will understand I was not able to blog aat all during his stay as he is really unaware of the extent of my issues - and I dont really want him to know. He knows I have issues with my weight, that I compusevly weigh myself when I can and that I worry about the food I eat but he doesnt know the full extent.
The binging.The purging. The fasting and starving. The freaking out. The compulsive staring at thinspo. The crying and suicidal feelings and thoughts that swim about my head.And he deffinetly can never know all the things I write in my little private place of the internet. I dont want him to worry about me like that. He doesnt deserve to be burdened with all the details.
And I think the worst thing of all, is that he would in the end figure out that its all for him.
I have to be perfect for him.
I have to be the best.
Terrified of him seeing anyone else and finding out they are better than me.
Because of course I know that a guy like him could have anyone.
Anyone at all.
Well Anyway, he left yesterday.
I hate it when he leaves.
Each time I have to wach him walk away from me in the airport it tears me apart. I dont know how much more I can take...
I really dont...
Try to focus on the positive things.
I wirte poetry and when he leaves I write wonderfully depressive and tragic poems.
I can look at thinspo again ( Oh, Thinspo how Ive missed you )
And thats about it.
I cant think of anything else that is good with him leaving....
There are so many more nice things.
Rollerblading together along the explanade
Trying sushi for the first time
Cuddles at night
so so so many lovely instances, so many I cant write them all.
I need him back here....