Im sorry I dissapeared. I havent had the will to do anything for a long time now.
I realised something yesterday.
I actually want bad things to happen to me.
How twisted is that.
I had a terrible nightmare on Wednesday. On Thursday the wind was so fierce it hurt to breathe and on Friday I got caught in drenching rain.
I realised that the next days Id go to bed eager, Id check through the window for wind, and if the sky seemed dark Id wish and wish for downpour.
And I guess it all comes down to me feeling like im anything but alive lately. These situations get my heart beating hard, pulse hammering, and I feel alert, awake, and very very much alive.
Its a feeling I had forgotten and Id forgotten how much i missed it.